My Love

My heart has loved so much but my pain has been so much greater than the love. I as a young child went through more than my fair share of heartache and pain. From the start of my life I have known pain, struggle, and disappointment. There are things in life that happen to us as individuals that are beyond our own control and they are NOT your fault. There are things in life that happen in our lives that we play a part in by the choices we make and we have to own our parts in what we go through or have gone through. It is up to me and you to deal with the situations or circumstances that arise as best we can. I am more than grateful for the things that have happened to me, because of choices I made, or because of the choices others have made. In the end each circumstance, situation, or choice has made me who I am today as a woman. I am better than I once was. I want great things in my future so I think on great things; however I must be woman enough to deal with unresolved issues instead of running from them or masking them because they can’t nor will they fix themselves.

Therefore I write upon these pages to heal my soul and maybe to help someone else.

Let me start by saying this, “I am not perfect nor do I have the answers to life.” I am just a woman who has experienced life in many ways. Some by choice others by force, yet I have survived the majority of life by not giving up. There has been times I have wanted to quit. Heck, I have tried to take myself out of the running but God seen fit to keep me in the race. I am not a fanatic, but I am a believer. I do not write upon here to preach, maybe teach, but really to finally give voice to my pain and healing to my heart. I have to trust the process no matter how difficult it gets. I only have to believe that God has a will and a plan for me that I must be here to fulfill; therefore I must pursue the paths before me without giving up.

Every challenge we face in life must be met. How we meet them is up to us. For me I face the day to day challenges with faith that I can and will get to the place destined for me in this life with out any more tragic life altering events. It is like I know things will and are bound to happen. Such is life on life’s terms. I am not able to be any person I am not. I am just me. A wife and

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I’m Alone

I’m alone, I am realizing this now. Even with my relationship I feel this way. It’s like I am lost in this world trying to find my place. Only the problem is that it doesn’t exist. I really thought that if love found me that I would belong. No, that’s not the case. How could I have been so wrong. I feel like he and I are on opposite sides of the Continental Divide. Better yet,we are on opposite teams wearing the same jerseys. Things that are meant to be shared often are not because I don’t feel there’s an open line of communication. More like there is a wall standing erect between him and I. I want to speak my heart, my soul, and my mind instead upon these pages I write. There seems to be a gravitational force pulling me in then it let’s me go again. No wonder I feel so so confused and alone. There doesn’t seem to be a place for my feet to find their balance. When I cry my tears are shed behind closed doors. When I feel him holding me I feel lost in that space. There is no true smile inside my heart for this loneliness is so great. I desire him in ways I never knew yet here I am with him writing these words for others to read. I don’t understand the hidden and closed parts of me, let alone I don’t know how to reach out to him to fix what I feel is broke. I want to be positive and look for our best, but in the end there is not any peace left inside me. The loneliness brings about a bitter cold that nothing can fix. I just want and need his love. I used know I was the one who got all his time and affection, now I just a lonely woman staring at her reflection it seems. In the mirror I see a woman scared to be alone. A woman need a heart to finally call her own. Yesterday is a memory of sadness and blame. Today is the reminder of my loneliness and pain. There is not a part of me that I can’t give to him, but first he must let me in. I guess I am done venting… I needed to get this off my chest. Maybe now when I look to tomorrow I’ll see the loneliness has faded and love has stepped in. Good night.

Just Who Do You Think I Am?

Just who do you think that I am? Am I not the woman who lays down to sleep next to you at night or am I the woman that really means so little to you that you feel you can treat me this way? Am I not your lover and friend? Then why am I left with my head hanging down so full of shame? I just want your love and I need your respect. I don’t know of you understand my pain, but I think now you forgot where I came from or how you won this heart of mine. I can honestly say it wasn’t easy to gain and it is harder to lose but where we go from here is now up to you. You see I have put all of me in. I have everything to loose. If you choose to walk I’ll have to find myself again because all of me is you. Love me or leave me, now that that is said, quit playing with my heart, stop stepping on my soul, and please get out of my head.

Now I focus on the things that I can control. I am no one’s doormat. Don’t take your stuff out on me. If you have a problem speak to me as you want me to speak to you. If you can’t or won’t then don’t speak at all. You think I’m going to keep allowing you to treat me in such ways. No, baby, I can’t and I won’t. There is me that has to survive when it is all said and done. Either we work together and get this right or you going to find me gone one night.

Please don’t think this is talk… this is very much real. I am at the end of the rope, but I am hanging on still. I love you with every part of me but there is such a thing and i possess it… It’s called DIGNITY. Good night with love.

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I Wonder If He Knows

I wonder if he knows just how much he means to me,

or if like my words my actions go unseen.

I wonder if he knows the love in me is real,

or if he left tomorrow that I’d love him still.

I wonder if he knows that he makes me laugh at times,

or that in him me it’s me I find..

I wonder if he knows he helped me to defeat me past,

or that this love for him will always last.

I wonder if he knows I don’t want to argue or fight,

or that it’s only him i want at night.

I wonder if he knows the him that I see inside,

or that because of him I have found my pride.

I wonder if he knows that I would go to the ends of the earth,

or that because of him inside I hurt.

I wonder if he knows about the tears I cry,

or if he understands how hard it is that I try.

I wonder if he knows that I’ll go to any length for him,

or if he sees that where he starts I end.

I wonder if he knows that I want him every day in my life,

or that I am tired of being the girlfriend I want to be his wife.

I wonder if he knows that I need him here by me,

or that because of him I am living free.

I wonder if he knows the extent of this here love,

or that he is all that I could ever have dreamed of.

I wonder if he knows that I was created just for him,

and that we are each others beginning and each others end.

I wonder if he knows that in love with him I walked,

or that this heart of mine he has on lock.

I wonder if he knows…

do you?

by frances whitlock

written for Tony M. P. Williamson I