Maybe it’s just me, but there are times when I feel like there is something not quite right in my life. There are so many questions running around in my head that I have a hard time getting them in line. The doubts are there because so many questions are unanswered or ignored. Which keeps me going through the motions when I need to be able to move ahead. Whether it is with him or on my own I can’t move forward without answers even if he claims this stuff is in the past. To him the past is a couple of hours ago. To me it isn’t the past until a situation has been dealt with and by not getting answers prevents a problem from being dealt with. Therefore something is amiss in this relationship I am in.
I lay next to him right now and two things come to mind… I love him deeply… I refuse to continue with the same lies as truth. I literally want to slap him and demand the freaking truth. Yet, violence gets me no where. I just think it would make me feel better. I just want the damn truth. I want my questions answered. I want the power to move forward. However, I can’t do that while so many questions surround the past.
If you don’t have anything to hide then you should be able to answer some questions without getting angry. If you get defensive every time I try to approach the subject then you are saying to me, “I’M GUILTY, but not going to admit it.” When I know things and confront him he tells me I don’t know what I am talking about. Even if I have proof he does the denial game. It’s just old.
There’s something amiss and I’m tired of the game. Ready for a future, but first I must get past this pain.
I don’t even know who I am any more. It is like I’m lost inside myself… Struggling to find my own wealth. I feel so frustrated by everything. I feel like I just exist in the moment and that I am not where or who I want to be. I feel angry, cheated, and less than I AM. What do I need to do to get me back? What do I need to change? I am not able to keep going on this way.
Wake up, wake up !!!
I wish I didn’t have to, but it is a must. If I could be asleep right now I would be dreaming of a distant island that has the world most coziest bed with me nestled deep within it. But, I am up, for no reason really, just laying here. Wake up, I really wish I could. Better yet, I am going back to bed.