Maybe it’s just me, but there are times when I feel like there is something not quite right in my life. There are so many questions running around in my head that I have a hard time getting them in line. The doubts are there because so many questions are unanswered or ignored. Which keeps me going through the motions when I need to be able to move ahead. Whether it is with him or on my own I can’t move forward without answers even if he claims this stuff is in the past. To him the past is a couple of hours ago. To me it isn’t the past until a situation has been dealt with and by not getting answers prevents a problem from being dealt with. Therefore something is amiss in this relationship I am in.
I lay next to him right now and two things come to mind… I love him deeply… I refuse to continue with the same lies as truth. I literally want to slap him and demand the freaking truth. Yet, violence gets me no where. I just think it would make me feel better. I just want the damn truth. I want my questions answered. I want the power to move forward. However, I can’t do that while so many questions surround the past.
If you don’t have anything to hide then you should be able to answer some questions without getting angry. If you get defensive every time I try to approach the subject then you are saying to me, “I’M GUILTY, but not going to admit it.” When I know things and confront him he tells me I don’t know what I am talking about. Even if I have proof he does the denial game. It’s just old.
There’s something amiss and I’m tired of the game. Ready for a future, but first I must get past this pain.
I don’t even know who I am any more. It is like I’m lost inside myself… Struggling to find my own wealth. I feel so frustrated by everything. I feel like I just exist in the moment and that I am not where or who I want to be. I feel angry, cheated, and less than I AM. What do I need to do to get me back? What do I need to change? I am not able to keep going on this way.
Wake up, wake up !!!
I wish I didn’t have to, but it is a must. If I could be asleep right now I would be dreaming of a distant island that has the world most coziest bed with me nestled deep within it. But, I am up, for no reason really, just laying here. Wake up, I really wish I could. Better yet, I am going back to bed.
Speak Life into your very life. If our thoughts become things then I must change what it is that I think about. For the same way I got here I can get can and will be how I get out of here. With that being said the very least I can do is try because I know I think a lot of negative thoughts even though I really don’t want to and I can say I have had more negative than positive out about. Therefore, I choose to speak life into every area of my life.
I speak wholeness into my spirit, soul, heart and mind. I am in perfect harmony with the Universe to accept all good things unto myself. The spirit within me knows and loves peace. I give love to all those that are around and I receive much more from them. I am a magnet for my soul mate. I am drawn to him and he to me. The Universe is conspiring to bring us face to face and heart to heart tonight. We will allow love to be our hearts guide. My mind is able to envision clearly and in accurate detail the very things I want to attract to my life. I see my soul mate coming to me to comfort me and be here for me in this time. I see my soul mate Tony M. P. Williamson Sr. knocking on my door and wrapping his arms around me whispering that he is here for me. I ask the Universe to bring about the very things I think about in rapid time.
I speak life into my being. I am always happy. I have happiness that no one can steal. Joy overflows from my heart, spilling through out every crevice of who I am and into every area of my life. I make others smile and people make me smile. I know that my life is a reflection of true love and laughter. I am so grateful for all things in my life for they shape a better me tomorrow.
I am smart, qualified, determined, and very productive in my college courses, my job, in my businesses, and in my home. I am a honor student. I am an achiever of accolades. Everything I do financially brings about great gain I . My bank account are overflowing; prosperity is attached to me. I have a great home that people find comfort and solace in. I make good friends. With those I encounter I leave positive lasting impressions. I am forgiving of others and others forgive me easily. I reflect good things because I am everything good.
The law of attraction works. I know I attract all good this and I magnify what I want from the universe into being. I am focused on bringing about all good things into my life and the life of my soul mate. I am beautiful and I am vibrant. My family is blessed because of the law of attraction in my life. There is so much abundance in my life that I freely give to others expecting nothing in return. All that I desire is mine…
WHERE IS MY HEART NOW THAT HE’S NOT WITH ME? I WONDER IF HE FEELS THE BEAT ISN’T THERE NEXT TO HIM… HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE WITH ME… BUT WHERE IS HE I AM LEFT HERE TO PONDER. LOST IN THIS DARKNESS, NO WORDS REALLY TO SPARE. JUST CONFUSION FILLS ME. NOT SURE WHERE I AM TO TURN OR WHO I CAN TURN TO. JUST WORRY AND STRESS… HELL HAS FROZEN OVER IN MY HEART. JUSTICE ISN’T SERVED… NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND THERE IS NOT A ME WHEN HE IS GONE… THERE ANI’T NO SUNSHINE WHEN HE’S GONE.
Breaking me has finally happened. I am probably fixing to crack to a million tiny pieces. No one will miss me or even realize I am gone. Why should anyone care about me… I am NOTHING. I am dumb and stupid. I have lost everything. There is nothing left. Not even myself likes me. I want to just fade to black, die… yes, i should.
My heart has loved so much but my pain has been so much greater than the love. I as a young child went through more than my fair share of heartache and pain. From the start of my life I have known pain, struggle, and disappointment. There are things in life that happen to us as individuals that are beyond our own control and they are NOT your fault. There are things in life that happen in our lives that we play a part in by the choices we make and we have to own our parts in what we go through or have gone through. It is up to me and you to deal with the situations or circumstances that arise as best we can. I am more than grateful for the things that have happened to me, because of choices I made, or because of the choices others have made. In the end each circumstance, situation, or choice has made me who I am today as a woman. I am better than I once was. I want great things in my future so I think on great things; however I must be woman enough to deal with unresolved issues instead of running from them or masking them because they can’t nor will they fix themselves.
Therefore I write upon these pages to heal my soul and maybe to help someone else.
Let me start by saying this, “I am not perfect nor do I have the answers to life.” I am just a woman who has experienced life in many ways. Some by choice others by force, yet I have survived the majority of life by not giving up. There has been times I have wanted to quit. Heck, I have tried to take myself out of the running but God seen fit to keep me in the race. I am not a fanatic, but I am a believer. I do not write upon here to preach, maybe teach, but really to finally give voice to my pain and healing to my heart. I have to trust the process no matter how difficult it gets. I only have to believe that God has a will and a plan for me that I must be here to fulfill; therefore I must pursue the paths before me without giving up.
Every challenge we face in life must be met. How we meet them is up to us. For me I face the day to day challenges with faith that I can and will get to the place destined for me in this life with out any more tragic life altering events. It is like I know things will and are bound to happen. Such is life on life’s terms. I am not able to be any person I am not. I am just me. A wife and